to you, my beloved.

 



selama ini penaku selalu ramai oleh suara, oleh kegaduhan, oleh kegelisahan, dan kerisauan. aku selalu menulis. meskipun bibirku sering tak dapat menguraikan apa yang ada di dalam sini, namun penaku selalu lugas dan lantang.

namun denganmu, aku belajar. aku mengamati. kamu mengheningkan teriakan senyapku. kamu membuat penaku enggan beropini.

di dalam hatiku hanya ada melodi. harmoni yang kamu bawa sejak kamu datang dalam kehidupanku. kini hatiku bernyanyi. kutulis atau tidak, tiada arti. meskipun bibirku kelu, tak mengapa selama mataku masih dapat memandang paras indahmu. aku yakin kita masing-masing masih tertegun saat menyadari betapa cinta begitu dekat... dan mengagumkan.

terima kasih sudah memberikanku kesempatan itu, sayang. kamu begitu istimewa di dalam hidupku. tak ada orang lain sepertimu yang menghampiri hari-hariku selama matahari terbit-tenggelam di ufuk-ufukku. aku bersyukur memberanikan diri melompat ke dalam gejolak perasaanku kala itu... dan menemuimu. di sana. dan menggengggam tanganmu sejak kala itu. dan mencintaimu sejak seterusnya. sebagaimana semestinya.

cinta yang sederhana ini, sayang, begitu megah, begitu rupawan. aku tak dapat memalingkan senyumanku setiap kali kumelihat bagaimana cinta kita semakin bertumbuh, semakin mengakar erat, menembus jantung bumi. aku suka karena semuanya terjadi hanya di antara kita berdua. segala kenangan yang tersembunyi dari seluruh umat manusia. hanya aku dan kamu.

mereka tak akan tahu, sayang, segala kesakitan dan kesedihan yang harus kita lalui untuk bisa tiba di titik ini. dan bagaimana perjuangan untuk mencintai tak ada ujungnya. bagaimana mencintai adalah sebuah pembelajaran tentang manusia yang menjadi favoritmu di antara miliaran orang di dunia. dan aku memilihmu. seperti engkau memilihku. dan mereka memang tak perlu tahu.

aku menantikan senyumanmu untuk memulai pagiku. aku menantikan deru motormu saat menjemputku. selalulah menjadi rutinitas pagiku, sayang. bawa senantiasa harmonimu supaya kupadu bersama dengan gubahan-gubahan lagu di dalam sini. kamu melengkapi hidupku, sayang. dan aku mau kamu tahu:

saat kamu merasa di dunia ini, tak ada seorang pun yang mendukungmu, aku akan selalu ada di sana menjadi penyemangatmu. dan aku akan selalu ada di sini, di hatimu. aku akan mendukungmu, sayang, dan menguatkanmu, dalam susah senang, tawa dan air mata, yang kita jalani.

semoga tak ada lagi kesepian di dalam harimu, sayang. aku akan selalu menjadi teman dan sahabatmu. aku mau mewarnai hidupmu, sama seperti kamu datang mewarnai hidupku.

teruslah belajar untuk mencintaiku, sayang. seperti aku tak bosannya belajar untuk mencintaimu. aku yakin padamu, sayang. Allah Sang Cinta itu yang menyatukan jalan hidup kita berdua. dan hingga saat ini, aku yakin kamulah jawaban doaku - semoga hingga selamanya - dan teruslah menjadi jawaban doaku. seperti aku belajar terus untuk menjadi jawaban doamu.

semoga tawa dan bahagia senantiasa mengiring langkah kita berdua. semoga genggaman tangan kita takkan terpisah selamanya. kiranya Allah merestui cinta kita.

again and again i will say, thank you for coming into my life, baby. happiest birthday to you, my love. i love you so much baby.


batam, 12 mei 2023

02:16

nov.


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a note from the stormy weather: happy new year!

 


Hi... and happy new year.

This is the first post for this year. In some minutes, it will be a new Moon in Pisces. Transiting in a place of healing. With the help of the Sun and widely projected by Jupiter. Those who understands will.

Oh what a place of ending.

When the final season of the year started, the whole Universe put me into isolation. Not absolute. But the theme goes on and on.

It is holiday too today. I don't have to worry about not enough sleep and can focus on needing what to be done: to bestow words and breaking an unfinished silence. I was wrong thinking all end when it goes silent.

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"She Who Is" by Elizabeth A. Johnson - A Review

 



Title             :    She Who Is: The Mystery of God in Feminist Theological Discourse

Author         :    Elizabeth A. Johnson

Year             :    1992

Keywords    :    feminism, feminist theology, patriarchy


"She Who Is," a mindblowing and critical book on feminist theology and its development in Christianity. This is clearly a must read book, especially for those who wish to engage in feminist discourses.

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sad girl hour.




acceptance.

what a word.  what a power!

i was a dreamer. i got lost wandering around. found myself again, i still am, a dreamer. i have learned so much. a kind of learning that you wish someone would teach you. so you don't have to learn by yourself. not because you're incapable. but how easier life would be if those who are more mature and experienced told you how to live life. make a life guidance. don't say we got the Bible. that's not what i meant. those success stories? nah, that's not the answer either.

how to live life - an ordinary life, like yours and mine. a mediocre life. without having to make it look glamorous, likeable, grande. how the elders make it through the years? because i ain't have a half of them and this life is uninteresting to me. is this how life works? is this truly everything there is? or is it my silent depression creeping in?

i have been dreaming for the sake of escaping from my own thoughts. lately, i have been learning to do my dreams. each little step matters. should have thank myself and my body for that. at one point i'm so pissed at myself because i wasted my time. but, acceptance, has make it less unbearable. at least, now i know.

and my body, oh my God, how strong is she? studying trauma helped me seeing through all particularities that made me as i am. 

earthquakes, that's how i called trauma, chasing one after the other. abuse? been there. healed that. toxicity? been there, healed that. family issues? been there, healed that. losing a loved one? been there, still crying sometimes, mental breakdown a few times, healed that. a long overdue love story that became unhealthy? left them, healed that. inner child wound? i don't have the answer yet. i have tried to face them though. the answer is still on its way. not the time yet.

when someone looks at me, they'll look at this certain frame which is limited by the time and space. they didn't know me at all, although they think they are. they don't live with me or stay by my side 24/7. I DO. 

the sad thing is, i am the only witness to my growth, too. no one watched how i grew over the years. how i bloom and die several times - just to resurrect.

they said, being open to love means to let oneself becomes vulnerable to being broken. wow boy do i have a news for you?

healing all broken pieces, trying to get it together, only for someone to ruin it all over again? that scares the hell out of me.

i thought, okay, maybe let's just lock the door and run forever? what a sad life would it be.

i don't have the problem with showing my emotions. i am emotions! hundreds of it! but will they ready though? my life is one of the most dangerous roller coaster ever. people closest to me just know the tip of it. because then they'll pity me. or worse, they'll put my brokenness upon my face on a day they feel they have the right to do so.

i am barely survived. with all those scars... and exhaustion. but still am. right here, right now. wow, i love myself so much. in awe of her. in awe of her strength and bravery.


with love,

ngh.

jakarta, april 14th, 2021

20:55

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2020: catatan tentang masa jeda.

 




Sudah di penghujung tahun 2020. Rasanya?

Campur aduk.

Tahun 2020 seperti tanda jeda yang berlangsung sekian lama, di saat dunia yang dikenal seluruh umat manusia berubah sejadi-jadinya karena pandemi. Dunia yang kita kenal itu sudah berlalu. Dan karenanya, ada rasa kosong yang diam-diam menyelinap saat tahun ini berakhir.

Aku sembuh, lalu sakit lagi. Selesai, lalu mulai lagi. Hanya untuk bergerak di tempat yang sama.

Baiklah, tak apa-apa. Aku tak perlu memaksa. Cinta akan datang tanpa diminta.

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