feelings: an extraction.

every night before the old month changed into the new, i would pray. new month brings mysteries and the unexpected. i hated it. i mean the last word.

every morning on the first day of the fresh new month, i would chant this mantra.
"i only want happiness. pour it over me, for this month."

that was my hope. that little hope kept me going from one month to another. because imagining how i would pass this year is like attracting nightmares and bad dreams for me. so, i took just the baby step. little and firm.

Love listened. Love poured happiness over me. no matter how dark the night was, how awful the storm was, i stood still. peace inside, calmness outside.

fear did remain. but, it had no power. i still took the baby steps. that little hope overcame my fear.

i felt complete. i was in love with myself again. i was in love with the idea of life again. after two years fighting the Death in my mind. two years looking for a reason why was i still breathing. two years of war with my own being.

i went home for christmas. last new year, i was reborn. anew. alive.

what about that?

an awakening. a resurrection. deepest gratitude.

something that i never thought i would experience again. the sun that i had waited for a thousand years. the sun finally showed up again.

everytime i remember about this metanoia, it humbles me, down to the world of the dead.

until, on the first day after my birth month, the hurricane came. i drowned in my own tears that night. i thought it was just another rain. but, it is still pouring now, in my little world.

forever is a long time.

went back to my little cocoon with empty hands. how they took everything from me. my little hope. my newborn happiness. my alive me. they left me nothing.

if last year they gave me the salt so i could heal, what if they were the one who wounded me? now i have nowhere to go.

i learned the hard way. it is a deadly sin, indeed, when you rob someone their happiness. indeed.

i haven't been able to address this uneasiness, even since my feet touched the ground. until tonight.

if only they knew. how precious is happiness to me. how difficult it is to keep on going. how desperate i was, being under the rain, for almost three years. being alive here is a grace.

however,

they took the sun.

they took the sun.

ten months wasted. three hundreds and four days torn apart. the rest has no purpose.

now, it is raining hard. still. preparing my being for the flood. it is dark. i have loved the darkness. not the problem.

but, same old question: how long, o, Love, i should sigh in this eerie silence? how long until another sun?

another second, another forever.

ng.
22.22
november 21, 2019