Title : She Who Is: The Mystery of God in Feminist Theological Discourse
Author : Elizabeth A. Johnson
Year : 1992
Keywords : feminism, feminist theology, patriarchy
"She Who Is," a mindblowing and critical book on feminist theology and its development in Christianity. This is clearly a must read book, especially for those who wish to engage in feminist discourses.
acceptance.
what a word. what a power!
i was a dreamer. i got lost wandering around. found myself again, i still am, a dreamer. i have learned so much. a kind of learning that you wish someone would teach you. so you don't have to learn by yourself. not because you're incapable. but how easier life would be if those who are more mature and experienced told you how to live life. make a life guidance. don't say we got the Bible. that's not what i meant. those success stories? nah, that's not the answer either.
how to live life - an ordinary life, like yours and mine. a mediocre life. without having to make it look glamorous, likeable, grande. how the elders make it through the years? because i ain't have a half of them and this life is uninteresting to me. is this how life works? is this truly everything there is? or is it my silent depression creeping in?
i have been dreaming for the sake of escaping from my own thoughts. lately, i have been learning to do my dreams. each little step matters. should have thank myself and my body for that. at one point i'm so pissed at myself because i wasted my time. but, acceptance, has make it less unbearable. at least, now i know.
and my body, oh my God, how strong is she? studying trauma helped me seeing through all particularities that made me as i am.
earthquakes, that's how i called trauma, chasing one after the other. abuse? been there. healed that. toxicity? been there, healed that. family issues? been there, healed that. losing a loved one? been there, still crying sometimes, mental breakdown a few times, healed that. a long overdue love story that became unhealthy? left them, healed that. inner child wound? i don't have the answer yet. i have tried to face them though. the answer is still on its way. not the time yet.
when someone looks at me, they'll look at this certain frame which is limited by the time and space. they didn't know me at all, although they think they are. they don't live with me or stay by my side 24/7. I DO.
the sad thing is, i am the only witness to my growth, too. no one watched how i grew over the years. how i bloom and die several times - just to resurrect.
they said, being open to love means to let oneself becomes vulnerable to being broken. wow boy do i have a news for you?
healing all broken pieces, trying to get it together, only for someone to ruin it all over again? that scares the hell out of me.
i thought, okay, maybe let's just lock the door and run forever? what a sad life would it be.
i don't have the problem with showing my emotions. i am emotions! hundreds of it! but will they ready though? my life is one of the most dangerous roller coaster ever. people closest to me just know the tip of it. because then they'll pity me. or worse, they'll put my brokenness upon my face on a day they feel they have the right to do so.
i am barely survived. with all those scars... and exhaustion. but still am. right here, right now. wow, i love myself so much. in awe of her. in awe of her strength and bravery.
with love,
ngh.
jakarta, april 14th, 2021
20:55
Sudah di penghujung tahun 2020. Rasanya?
Campur aduk.
Tahun 2020 seperti tanda jeda yang berlangsung sekian lama, di saat dunia yang dikenal seluruh umat manusia berubah sejadi-jadinya karena pandemi. Dunia yang kita kenal itu sudah berlalu. Dan karenanya, ada rasa kosong yang diam-diam menyelinap saat tahun ini berakhir.
Aku sembuh, lalu sakit lagi. Selesai, lalu mulai lagi. Hanya untuk bergerak di tempat yang sama.
Baiklah, tak apa-apa. Aku tak perlu memaksa. Cinta akan datang tanpa diminta.
