once upon a time
my mother decided
that it would be the last time
she put up a christmas tree
decades passed since then
without a glimpse of christmas light
flickering in our home
another christmas
another fight
another useless anger
only to go to church
like nothing had just happened
did she hate christmas
that would be the mystery
on christmas day
they would just take a nap
like every other day
then i went on looking
for those lights somewhere else
found its magic shining bright
at other home
the memories are fresh
eventhough they are decades old
my then aunty showed
what a christmas looks like to me
and i learned from her
she threw the miracle of christmas dust
in her entire house
the tree filled up with ornaments
the wall, the ceiling
the door, the kitchen
she was my it girl
and after she is gone
so does her magic
this year i decided
it's gonna be different
my home will be colorful
my tree filled up with ornaments
garland will be hanged
the lights will shine on
and it is
when i sit around my christmas tree
i couldn't help but wonder
how my aunty would understand
what i am feeling right now
and what i am feeling everyday
because how come the lights are on
but the darkness is still around
batam.
8 dec 2024.
10.16 pm
(after i publish this, i remembered tomorrow will be the fifth year since she left us)
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